Our Prime Minister is back from America. Like the early explorers and travelers, Da Gama, Columbus, Magellan, Ibn Butata, Huen Tsang, he brings back news of a couple of things from that faraway land. That it is there. And that they have hands that one can shake.
The media in India seemed to think it was quite a big deal that US President Obama said “Mr Prime Minister, kem cho?” suggesting he took the trouble to learn the Gujarati greeting and therefore us and America must now be best friends forever. I would be far more interested to hear Modi’s response to that, which could’ve ranged from, “Quite hungry actually” to “What up POTUS?”, suggesting that if the US Presidents’ diplomatic corps were clever enough to update him on hitting our PM with unexpected insider lingo, our foreign service could match them (or at least have watched the TV shows Veep/West Wing set in The White House).
There was some inside joke going on when at The White House reception the media caught Mr Potus smirking as our leader shook hands with John Kerry. Again I thought the far more interesting bit was right after, as he shook hands with our foreign minister Sushma Swaraj. Secretary Kerry stands at six foot six or even higher, making him definitely taller than the tallest secretary of any kind and indeed some trees.
When you saw our foreign minister next to him, it seemed two of our Hon’ble Minister would be required to get to the height of one Secretary Kerry. One could see now why we don’t win that many international diplomacy negotiations with the Americans. Certainly makes it harder to discuss our territorial rights in the South China Sea if two of one Indian minister is required, one on top of the other, just to make eye contact with her American counterpart.
Photo ops
Then there were the photos with the American CEOs: GE, Goldman, Boeing, IBM, Blackrock. There probably hasn’t been such a gathering of American CEOs meeting a government leader since all of them nearly went bankrupt in the 2008 subprime crisis and needed some money printed. Modi’s request was for the opposite ‒ to get them to spend on us. And to say, look we went mad for a while, come back please. Whether they will of course depends on how many previous years’ tax these multinationals didn’t have to pay, then had to pay, then didn’t, now many not, with a promise of never having to pay anything in the future, till they do, again, prospectively, while being retrospective simultaneously.
If you thought that was confusing, what the American CEOs actually deal with in terms of trying to understand our corporate tax is about 20 times that. And that’s before the Indian Supreme Court gets involved.
Magnitude of embarrassment
Last week there was also a lot of furor about how the foreign media covers India. The Economist said Modi hopes to make India a success not a “continent-size embarrassment”. (That’s quite a large area as embarrassments go. Surely within the continent making a fool of itself, there are “peninsulas of sophistication”, and “archipelagos of advancement”? Or do they mean we have an embarrassing shape with that odd little curvy head up by Kashmir on top and that sneaky taper by Kanyakumari at the bottom? In which case, hello, have you seen South America? What is that shape? A boomerang on a night out?)
Space cow
One American newspaper ran a cartoon showing an Indian farmer with a cow knocking on the door of what looked like a privileged Victorian-era gentleman’s club asking for entry, alluding to how we want to play with the big western boys who maintain control over space missions because they can afford it, like some inter galactic British public school old boys network. Naturally in the 21st century, in what we can safely call a post cow-snakes-famine-monkey-Ben Kingsley India, indeed an Aziz Ansari-is-the-name-of-an-American-comedian-India, (these are real development economics terms, promise), every-time someone does a cow representing India, we lose it.
I was quite amused by was the idea that anyone was going to space at all in 1910, (from what everyone was wearing in the cartoon), let alone what is shown to represent their nation. And if an Indian farmer managed to go to Mars in 1910, with a cow, I want to smoke whatever the farmer (and the cartoonist) are smoking.
Not to mention, we are missing a bigger problem here. We need to give foreign cartoonists something to substitute the cow and turban to signify Indian. They are also as tired and need something but there is nothing. A regular Patel in a Gap shirt and chinos doesn’t say Indian – half-nude yoga pose guy also cliché racist (and most likely Caucasian). Same with computer repair (also laptops don’t look Indian in cartoons). Could Anil Kapoor, our best export to Hollywood and his moustache step up to the game? Could he do 25 after 24, and help the American media please and become a face everyone from Boston to Santa Fe recognises? So cartoonists can just draw the moustache, write "millionaire" and everyone will know, “Ah, they mean Indian.” Naturally, not captured in the cartoon is the accent it’d be said in, which can be best described as Kapoorican (Kapoor + American minus comprehension divided by 3).
Sweeping change
Oh, also, our Prime Minister went on a cleanliness drive nationwide few days ago. He came back from New York and immediately the next morning, took a broom and started sweeping stuff outside his house in Delhi. It’s a natural reaction after visiting Manhattan, perhaps the least clean of the great world’s cities. He’s thinking, “Maybe I pushed us a bit too much to be like America. What if we ended up like the Times Square subway stop in Manhattan in rush hour? Where is that dustpan?”
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The media in India seemed to think it was quite a big deal that US President Obama said “Mr Prime Minister, kem cho?” suggesting he took the trouble to learn the Gujarati greeting and therefore us and America must now be best friends forever. I would be far more interested to hear Modi’s response to that, which could’ve ranged from, “Quite hungry actually” to “What up POTUS?”, suggesting that if the US Presidents’ diplomatic corps were clever enough to update him on hitting our PM with unexpected insider lingo, our foreign service could match them (or at least have watched the TV shows Veep/West Wing set in The White House).
There was some inside joke going on when at The White House reception the media caught Mr Potus smirking as our leader shook hands with John Kerry. Again I thought the far more interesting bit was right after, as he shook hands with our foreign minister Sushma Swaraj. Secretary Kerry stands at six foot six or even higher, making him definitely taller than the tallest secretary of any kind and indeed some trees.
When you saw our foreign minister next to him, it seemed two of our Hon’ble Minister would be required to get to the height of one Secretary Kerry. One could see now why we don’t win that many international diplomacy negotiations with the Americans. Certainly makes it harder to discuss our territorial rights in the South China Sea if two of one Indian minister is required, one on top of the other, just to make eye contact with her American counterpart.
Photo ops
Then there were the photos with the American CEOs: GE, Goldman, Boeing, IBM, Blackrock. There probably hasn’t been such a gathering of American CEOs meeting a government leader since all of them nearly went bankrupt in the 2008 subprime crisis and needed some money printed. Modi’s request was for the opposite ‒ to get them to spend on us. And to say, look we went mad for a while, come back please. Whether they will of course depends on how many previous years’ tax these multinationals didn’t have to pay, then had to pay, then didn’t, now many not, with a promise of never having to pay anything in the future, till they do, again, prospectively, while being retrospective simultaneously.
If you thought that was confusing, what the American CEOs actually deal with in terms of trying to understand our corporate tax is about 20 times that. And that’s before the Indian Supreme Court gets involved.
Magnitude of embarrassment
Last week there was also a lot of furor about how the foreign media covers India. The Economist said Modi hopes to make India a success not a “continent-size embarrassment”. (That’s quite a large area as embarrassments go. Surely within the continent making a fool of itself, there are “peninsulas of sophistication”, and “archipelagos of advancement”? Or do they mean we have an embarrassing shape with that odd little curvy head up by Kashmir on top and that sneaky taper by Kanyakumari at the bottom? In which case, hello, have you seen South America? What is that shape? A boomerang on a night out?)
Space cow
One American newspaper ran a cartoon showing an Indian farmer with a cow knocking on the door of what looked like a privileged Victorian-era gentleman’s club asking for entry, alluding to how we want to play with the big western boys who maintain control over space missions because they can afford it, like some inter galactic British public school old boys network. Naturally in the 21st century, in what we can safely call a post cow-snakes-famine-monkey-Ben Kingsley India, indeed an Aziz Ansari-is-the-name-of-an-American-comedian-India, (these are real development economics terms, promise), every-time someone does a cow representing India, we lose it.
I was quite amused by was the idea that anyone was going to space at all in 1910, (from what everyone was wearing in the cartoon), let alone what is shown to represent their nation. And if an Indian farmer managed to go to Mars in 1910, with a cow, I want to smoke whatever the farmer (and the cartoonist) are smoking.
Not to mention, we are missing a bigger problem here. We need to give foreign cartoonists something to substitute the cow and turban to signify Indian. They are also as tired and need something but there is nothing. A regular Patel in a Gap shirt and chinos doesn’t say Indian – half-nude yoga pose guy also cliché racist (and most likely Caucasian). Same with computer repair (also laptops don’t look Indian in cartoons). Could Anil Kapoor, our best export to Hollywood and his moustache step up to the game? Could he do 25 after 24, and help the American media please and become a face everyone from Boston to Santa Fe recognises? So cartoonists can just draw the moustache, write "millionaire" and everyone will know, “Ah, they mean Indian.” Naturally, not captured in the cartoon is the accent it’d be said in, which can be best described as Kapoorican (Kapoor + American minus comprehension divided by 3).
Sweeping change
Oh, also, our Prime Minister went on a cleanliness drive nationwide few days ago. He came back from New York and immediately the next morning, took a broom and started sweeping stuff outside his house in Delhi. It’s a natural reaction after visiting Manhattan, perhaps the least clean of the great world’s cities. He’s thinking, “Maybe I pushed us a bit too much to be like America. What if we ended up like the Times Square subway stop in Manhattan in rush hour? Where is that dustpan?”